Creating a Jewish Identity

My husband and I are both Jewish, but neither of us is terribly religious.  I was raised Reform, went to Hebrew school until I was bat mitzvah’d, went to Jewish sleep away camp (long live Eisner) and lived in a home with separate dairy/meat plates and flatware (although it wasn’t really a strict rule).  We didn’t have separate dishes for Passover and my parents never blinked an eye at my cheeseburgers.  Until she became allergic later in life, my mother loved shellfish, and Chinese food just tastes better with roast pork friend rice and boneless spare ribs.  My mom only bought kosher meat, but not because of religious doctrine-she thought it tasted better (and it kills me to admit it, but she was right about kosher poultry-hi mom-see, the fact that you're right about something is now in print).  We went to synagogue on the high holidays, fasted on Yom Kippur, avoided leavened products on Passover and devoured latkes on Hanukkah.  And this all seemed normal-it was the same Jewish life that most of my friends were living with only small variations here and there.  But as an adult, and now a mom, I’m realizing just how important it is to create and strengthen my own Jewish identity so that I can help my daughter form one of her own.

The truth is, I’m an atheist.  I don’t think it’s that shocking if you know me, or even that shocking in this day and age.  But how do I consider myself a Jew if I don’t believe in God?  I see Judaism as my culture-if my ancestors had been from Ireland I’d consider myself Irish-but as we come from everywhere (Germany, Poland, Austria, etc...), the only unifying factor is religion.  While my version of Jewish culture doesn’t rely on faith, it does rely on tradition.  I love making a Passover Seder and spending hours on the perfect matzo ball soup (although, my matzo balls need some work).  I make a killer brisket and I can perfectly replicate my mother’s latkes.  I love going to the kosher butcher to buy turkey necks and chopped liver and Tam Tams and those egg rolls that they have at Wesley Kosher which I haven’t bought in years but are really, really good if you’re in the area.  The first Friday in our home I lit Shabbos candles.  I didn’t pray, because for me it has no meaning, but the act of doing it meant a lot.  The only thing that broke in our move was my menorah, and I’m still upset about it.  I plan on doing Tashlikh this year with Lily because I think it’s beautiful and I think she’ll get a real kick out of throwing bread (although she’ll probably just eat it).

I think that, at least in part, I’m working so hard at maintaining my Jewish identify because my daughter won’t see and experience the more traditional aspects of Judaism that I grew up with.  Both sets of grandparents were Conservadox (that’s a combination of Conservative and Orthodox)-they existed on a sliding spectrum at different points in their life.  Most of my memory lives with my mom’s parents-Lou and Lily (my Lily’s namesake).  My grandfather walked to synagogue and when we came to visit we used to wait for him to get home before we started our dairy lunch.  Their house was completely kosher, they observed Shabbos and they had separate plates for Passover-beautiful, green, Depression glass plates that I’ve inherited (there aren’t many left, I’m afraid). I hated dairy lunch and I hated how their services were all in Hebrew and I hated that I could never figure out the timers on the lights at their house.  And my daughter will never experience this.  She will never have the frustration of wanting a turkey sandwich and being turned down or having to wait for her grandfather to walk home when a car would just zip zip him home in 2 seconds.  I want my daughter to know all of these things, to know what a more traditional sense of her religion is like-I wish she could sit at my grandmother’s dining room table and feel that same frustration.    When I was older (and when she was older) I was having breakfast at my grandmother’s kitchen table.  I asked her which were the dairy bowls so that I didn’t accidentally take the wrong thing.  She smiled and told me I could use whatever I wanted-any bowl, any spoon-so long as my grandfather didn’t see.  At that moment my love for her increased tenfold.  When my grandmother let me break the rule, it somehow made the rule even more powerful, like we were co-conspirators in a fancy Jewish version of espionage against my grandfather.  I wish I could say that my grandmother winked at me and slid out the swinging kitchen door all Charlie’s Angels, but that wasn’t her style.  She sat down and sorted through her pills.

I remember lighting Shabbos candles with my father’s mother in front of this enormous mirror in their entryway.  The table was lacquered to a high gloss shine and the candles reflected from the table to the mirror and back again, bathing her in a sumptuous light as she bowed her covered head.  This is perhaps both the best and most beautiful memory that I have of my father’s mother, and it is a memory completely entwined with Jewish identity. 

My secular Judaism is filled with Woody Allen and Mel Brooks, fun with Yiddish, tremendous amounts of Eastern European delights, East Coast intellectualism, Gershwin (George and Ira), bagels and knishes and pickles (oh my), Arthur Miller, Joan Rivers, Hester Street, Fairway-the list goes on and on.  Perhaps this makes me a New Yorker more than it makes me a Jew.  But to me, the two are inextricably linked.

So here’s my plan. I’m already temple shopping-not actively, but I’ve already ruled out 2 places and am leaning towards option 3.  I only want to join a Reform synagogue because the Conservative ones that I’ve been to are way too restrictive.  We will go to services as a family, at least on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  Maybe when she’s older we can have a sukkah in our backyard, too.  Lily will go to Hebrew School (maybe even Hebrew Pre-K) and be bat-mitzvah’d.  We purposely moved to a Jewish heavy town so that Lily won’t be the only one (my husband was one of two Jewish kids growing up).  I want to institute family dinners on Fridays-there will be candles but not a full out traditional Shabbos meal.  I’ll never have separate dishes and we’ve already cooked both lobster and bacon, but I do love my kosher chicken.  And I think I just need to be honest with her-when she asks what I believe, I’m not going to lie, but I am going to explain how important it is to me to be Jewish, to continue our ancestry and the values inherent in it; to see Judaism as not just a faith, but to see Judaism as a culture with its own identity.

Lily's first Shabbos-fast asleep in her carriage.