The Aftermath

I can write about this now, because it was over a year ago.  This was post-Thanksgiving 2011, so I have enough dissonance to think about it clearly and rationally.  At the time, I couldn't put a sentence together.  I could only cry and feel like I was being punished for something, like some cruel cosmic hoax was being played on me and I didn't know what I did to deserve it.  The thing is, I don't drink-really, never-and I don't smoke or do any illegal drugs-I've actually never even tried drugs. I'm a teacher and I actually enjoy working with teenagers (seriously, I think they're awesome). I pay my taxes and donate to charity and I'm not a bitch (at least, not all the time) and I'm a very loyal friend and I'm good to my family...I'm actually pretty easy going and I didn't deserve this.  You know who deserves this?  Assholes.  Assholes and people who think they're superior but who are really total pricks; assholes who defile their bodies their whole lives and manage to get pregnant without really trying (looking at your Courtney Love); assholes who cut me off on the highway and cause near accidents in order to get ahead of me, but who eventually end up next to me due to the traffic ahead of us; assholes who cheat and lie and don't contribute to society-that's who deserves this.  Assholes like my OBGYN (trust me, there will be major rants about him), who tries to console me by saying, "Well, at least this means that we know you can get pregnant." Fuck you, asshole.  Take my word for it when I say that was one of the worst possible things that a man could have said to me.  And he followed it up by telling me it was good that the fetus evacuated completely because that meant that I didn't need surgery to remove any pieces that might be left inside my uterus which could cause an infection.  Wow doctor man-thanks for informing me about a horrifying alternative that I don't have to deal with, but it's so nice that you think this is a good thing!  Men are idiots.

Later that day I got a flu shot.  I didn't feel like canceling that appointment.  I still needed a flu shot regardless of my newly non-pregnant status (I hate that even in my irrationality I was still rational). The flu shot doctor was unbelievably sympathetic-I wish he was my OBGYN.

Here's the thing about miscarriages-they happen to 1 out of 3 women.  Really.  That's 33.3infiniti% of women in this country who have experienced at least 1 miscarriage (researchers think even more women have them but don't realize-just like miscarriage number 1, we just think it's a heavy period, but it's really something else).  It's never discussed-no commercials on TV (and you know they put everything on TV-have you seen the "Hail to the V" commercials?-PS, I love them), rarely a scene in a movie (except the movie I went to see right afterwards, "Young Adult," which was a great movie, but the scene when she talks about her miscarriage fucked me up so bad-I wish I had known about that ahead of time), and it's never openly discussed around the dinner table or holiday meals.  I was so ashamed and so hurt I could barely reach out to the people in my life who had experienced it-I spoke to "G" and she was mega supportive and I spoke to "B" and she was amazing-they had been there.  I found out later that I knew a lot more people who had miscarried, but they were like me-ashamed and angry at their bodies, completely internalizing something that was not their fault.

Here's the other thing about miscarriages-if it hasn't happened to you, you just don't and can't understand.  I think the same thing is true about going through a divorce.  My poor mother tried so hard, but she honestly couldn't relate to having a miscarriage.  Neither could a lot of friends.  It doesn't help when a friend says, "Oh, my mother had one."  You don't mean it to be, but it sounds flippant.  I'm not angry-never have been angry at a friend who said this oft repeated line.  It was the best way you could relate and I appreciate the effort.  I hope you never have to go through this, but I'd be happy to talk to your mom-she gets it.

Here's a third thing about miscarriages-men get over them a lot faster than women do.  A friend just had a miscarriage, and the thought of it brought everything back.  Every horrifying moment and painful cramp just ripped through my body all over again at the mention that someone else is going through it.  I had to call my husband at work to calm me down and then I hugged Lily so hard that she yelped.  My hubby is amazing-I am extremely lucky in that department and I make sure that he knows just how much I appreciate him.  But, within a week, he was done mourning.  I wasn't done mourning until after our daughter was born.  And even then it still hurt to think about it.  In that sense it's like a break-up-how you don't really get over an ex until you start seeing someone new.

Here's the last thing about miscarriages-I hope it never happens to you.  Really.  Even if you are an asshole.

I think it was a boy.